ive never used this word in a somewhat serious way
but ‘done’ is the only way i can describe how i feel right now
im just done
i want to get a job, finally learn to fucking drive, start looking at colleges and what i want to do with my life
i want to hang out with new friends, talk to new people
i want new hair, and a new style, and a new attitude towards life
i want to buckle down and get right with God
i want to depend only on him, and no one else
i want to stop growing attached to people and things, all they do is let you down.
but God won’t.
i’m tired of being so dependent on things and people who aren’t good to depend on
im tired of feeling left out of things
im tired of feeling naive and stupid
im tired of dealing with my feelings, my thoughts, my problems, because i know they’re all unnecessary and stupid. but that doesn’t make them go away.
i want change.
but im just way too scared of the world to make one.
i thought we were done with this kind of thing
i thought this little 15-year-old boy mindset of yours was in the past behind us
i literally feel like i have a devil and an angel on my shoulders
the angels telling me to stop being so mad. he feels bad. God will use this for good, eventually. if it were turned around, i know Alex would not be this mad. i know im not gonna break up with him, and I know im not gonna drop Samantha as a friend after everything. im not that person. whether it’s because I’m stubborn, or scared, or understanding, or what but i’m not. So what’s the point in this rage?
the devil just keeps telling me how mad i should be that he kept this from me for months. and Samantha kept this from me for months. he’s telling me, im the one left out of a group that I formed. I introduced her to all this, and I’m the one being left out of it, being lied to. well im SO
FUCKING SORRY that we don’t have the same opinions on this. I guess I’m the only fucking one who isn’t even the least bit attracted to the idea of “getting high”. i don’t see the appeal. I don’t get why music and god and… Well hell, maybe your girlfriend? arent enough for you. you’re acting just like every other fucking person in the world. I feel like I’m dating just “another guy” who gets high with his friends, and plays bass and lies about it. I know that’s not true. But… “Hey man wanna pack a bowl later?” How fucking toolish does that sound? pretty fucking toolish. I can’t get over the fact that you went and bought weed. Smoked it. TEXTED ME WHILE YOU WERE SOING IT AND THEN CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE YOURE NT DOJG THINGS TBAT YOU KNOW WILL HURT ME AND PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. I can’t get over the fact that we’ve hung out, talked about god, had sex, etc etc and In the back of your mind you’re like “oh yeah uh, Ryan and I got high last night. But uh, I still love you”. STONER MINUS THE DRUGS MY ASS. YOU LET ME SAY THAT AND YOU JUST LAUGHED AND AGREED WHEN IN TE BAXK OF YOUR MOTHER FUCKING LYTLE MIND YOURE THINKING “YEAH EXCEPT I AM ACTJALY A STONER LOL BUT IM JUST GONNA SMILE AND LAUGH ANYWAY AS IF IM NOT.”
you see how the devil is winning out at the moment?
Mother. Fucking. Dammit.
okay cool well im not sleeping tonight
i can’t stand being lied to. being left out. being out of the loop.
i know this is the wrong place to express my opinions about that, cause i know how all you guys are
but…. mother fucking dammit. my own boyfriend. lying to me about it for the THIRD MOTHER FUCKING TIME.
i mean, i know he feels bad.
i just dont understand how its so damn hard to just… not do it?
you have to buy it. physically leave your house, and buy it.
it is not like having depression, when you know what you’re depressed about doesn’t make sense.
it is not like having sex, and messing around when you know it’s a sin, and not being able to stop. that’s a natural desire.
weed. is. not.
in all honestly, i don’t give a fuck if you guys smoke it. smoke your little mother fucking hearts out. okay. but if you are dating me, and we’ve been over this THREE. MOTHER. FUCKING. TIMES.
i know God doesn’t condemn us, especially if we ask for forgiveness
i know he forgives us when we ask
i know i’m being very ungodly being this mad.
but that. doesn’t. change. anything.
i am not God.
i can try to reflect his image, but not when im so fucking mad.
i just can’t.
i understand the isolation
that’s all i want to do right now
just be by myself all the time, but i know i couldn’t last too long that way
i really don’t want to go anywhere tomorrow
all i want to do is stay home, finish carving my pumpkin, watch American Horror Story and Law and Order SVU, and sleep
but i have to go to school and then church
it sounds bad but i just don’t wanna gooooooouhhh
my relationship with my boyfriend is strained
my relationship with some of my friends is growing thin
my relationship with my God is dangerously weak
my relationship with myself is almost nonexistent
i don’t know how i feel about anything. i can’t put my feelings into words; they’re indecipherable. i don’t know what i want. i know what i need but not how to get it. and im too lazy and unmotivated to change anything.
just a complaining text post, carry on.